when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
