I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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