My sheets look like a crime scene.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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