My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
