yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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