remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
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