my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Randomize
