my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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