maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
