Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
