I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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