so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Randomize
