didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
oh god the rape fog is back!
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
