so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
