Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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