Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
