I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
