be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize