I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
