you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
