just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Pants are for mortals
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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