it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
