Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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