nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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