I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
