I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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