Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
