My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
