i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
