1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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