party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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