where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
