just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
