so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
