I want to make a zoo with you.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Randomize
