You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
