Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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