I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
