i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize