I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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