I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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