I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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