I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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