I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
