In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
so much tequila, so little girl.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
