I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
