felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
you inspire me to be a worse person
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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