When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
