i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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