I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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