I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Randomize
