if i can run in heels then i can drive
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
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