Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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