Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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