cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
