every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
