i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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