laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
