you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Your cock deserves a montage
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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