i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
