We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize
