the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
