I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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